My friends, they love my intelligence
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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