it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
