You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
