The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
