a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
