You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
