I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
