I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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