I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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