I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
