Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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