Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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