I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think my moral compass just broke
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
