im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
