i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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