And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
