he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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