Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
