Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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