I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
