My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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