i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
