So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
