she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
