anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
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