Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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