I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
