Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
