dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
