Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
