I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You dont lie about slip and slides
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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