The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
