I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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