you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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