I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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