Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
