Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
