when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
