Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
