you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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