dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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