All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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