I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
