She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
