just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
