Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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