Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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