and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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