I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
