Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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