I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Text me some of your sweat
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
