I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
