He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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